Christmas 2008 (sorry it is so late!)

I haven't been able to post anything since about a week or so ago because we got hit by the biggest snow storm my parents have seen since they were both kids! We got over 2ft of snow, and I decided I hate shoveling it.

Christmas was kinda lonely for me. I'll tell you why in a bit. But first I should probably tell you what I got, so I can get that aout of the way and sate your curiosity.
I really didn't get much, I got an iPod portable docking system, an X-men movie trilogy (that I already had, and traded in for the Matrix trilogy), an intellectual devotional that has a random fact and a short essay on it for every day of the year, a down throw, and... that's it.

I did run off and buy myself a model 1967 Pontiac GTO, and a few Xbox games.
I got:
Star Wars: Obi-wan,
X-men 3: The Official Game,
X-men: NExt Dimension,
Enter the Matrix, and
Time Splitters: Future Perfect.

Ok, back to me being lonely over christmas. I'm going to post an entry from my personal journal, I figure like nobody reads my blog anyways, and those who do I trust a fair amount. So here is my entry, and that is all for today.

" ~Journal Entry: Christmas 2008~

I think I should write some more. I use my journals, not as a reminder of events, but as a reminder of events, but as a reminder of emotions and thoughts about events that are either worth remembering or could, with more thought, lead me to a Truth about myself.
Anyways, Christmas this year was depressing. Last year about this time Ai Ching broke up with me. But I didn’t find out she ended it until like the 2nd or 3rd week of January, so Christmas (in New Zealand) wasn’t so bad.
But this year as I listen to Christmas music and hang out with family, I feel sad, alone, secluded.
One thing might contribute is that, since I can’t stand most of the traditional Christmas music, that only really leaves the songs about people being together at Christmas time. Now maybe it is because the one human love of my life (God isn’t really human, neither are my guitars of Cheyenne) is one state up and like 3 or 4 states over. Maybe I am still suffering from my breakup with Ai last year. Maybe it is because I’m not close to my family.
I mean, I rarely get time to spend with my Aunt & Uncle and Grandparents. Especially since we moved out to Nowhere. So I’m not really that close to any of them.
And as for my immediate family… We just don’t get along. My mom and dad say it is my fault, I don’t listen, always argue, handle situations badly, etc. But it is also theirs. I mean you know what they say, “It takes 2 to tango”. If we are going to get along, we are going to have to meet each halfway, and we aren’t. I don’t know who really is at fault, I know I am a part of it, and I get the areas where I fall down pointed out all the time. But I can’t point out where they fall down. I know they are not following through on their part, but I either don’t know what my own problem is or I’m unfamiliar with the whole “parenting” stuff, but I really don’t know what they should be doing. Besides aren’t they, being parents and all , supposed to know what they need to know and fix it themselves? So why do I have to point it out? I dunno…
Anyways… I don’t really “connect” with anyone in my family. I’m either being alienated or alienating myself from them (a bit of both really).
I can’t joke with them as much, talk with them as much, do much of anything meaningful. All I can do is sit back wishing I was sitting there with Lexy. Or wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t of grown into a cynical, sarcastic, rebellious outcast. Or what if Ai Ching never broke up with me, what if I had staid in Malaysia… What are all the friends I have scattered around the world doing. Are any of them thinking of me?
Why does my heart ache like this?
Where can I find peace?
God, where can I find answers?"