Update 2/26/08

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." (Dickens)

That about describes my life right now. So, for those of yo who don't know, me and Lexy are temporarily "broken up". She was in Memphis for a music gig and had a bit of an emotional breakdown. She decided that it is safer for both of us if we aren't a "couple" for a while because she feels it is more than I should have to go through just for her. What she doesn't seem to get is that I will, would, and have gone through my own personal Hells for her. To quote Bon Jovi's song 'Always': "If yo asked me to die for you, I would." She also doesn't seem to understand that it hurts me more to be separate from her while she is have ing such a hard time than it does for me to walk with her through whatever she is going through.

Anyways... On a more upbeat note, I've seen a bit more, I dunno, caring? from some of the Connect High people. Tabitha actually E-mailed me )of her own accord) to ask if I was Ok and see if she could help with anything. And me and Jane have been trading E-mails for a while. Chris has also asked if I am Ok and stuff, but I think he is a bit unsure of what to do and say, so he doesn't ask too much.
Colin is really down about something though. He says it has to do with not being able to do much with CH anymore because of baseball, but I don't think that's all of it.

Oh, and I failed my Permit test, for the 5th time. And me and Dad have had enough arguments to last the Senate a few decades.
and I've managed to maintain fairly emotionless throughout most of the days, but that isn't really a good thing.

But, I'm working of picking my life up and getting on with it. So until laterz, Bye People!

Update 2/15/09

I have made the decision to not give prayer requests at places like small groups, LINKS class, sunday school, or in similar settings. My reasons are as follows:
1) My requests are normally personal and in-depth, and while I don't care about the personal part, the in-depth part makes it so they take longer to explain than actually pray for, and I know some people get bored and disinterested..

2) People should want to know what I need prayer for, not be required to listen to me talk about how crappy my life is and how I want God to fix it.

3) it is more important I pray for them than they pray for me.

and the last important one I have:
4) I don't "need" prayer. I need companionship and friendship more than prayer normally.

Anyways... I don't know if my choice was the right one or what, but I hope that people will notice and ask me and I can by example cause people to rethink their opinions and views of Prayer.

On to other News:
Valentines day was yesterday, I sent a Val to 3 people, 2 have gotten them, Emma and Lexy, but Alex hasn't said anything about her getting one yet. Emma came back and yelled at me =P I guess she didn't want one this year. I sent Lexy a necklace I got in New Zealand, she loved that and swears she is not going to take it off =P (I think it's cause she can't figure out how though, and I have already told her I think that ;) ). Alex... I have to wait for a response from her =P

Other that that, I got to use a chainsaw yesterday, and fell in love =) but... I almost took my leg off (don't tell my dad)...


Anyways... I guess I'll update when I can, ttyl!

Update 2/5/09

Wow.. when was the last time I updated this thing? Long ways back, huh...

Well, to update all you people (or... all few of you people...), Life has been really stressful, frustrating, yet insightful at the same time.
With Graduation coming up fast, the questions of "Where do I go to College?" and "What do I do for a living, how do I do it?" have really hit hard. I still don't know on either, but they have been haunting me long enough I've managed to finally ignore them for the time being =P
Driving has been going about the speed of Dale Earnheart's race car... without the engine. But, I need to get my permit before end of February, so I'll find some way to pull this stunt off.
The reason I need to do it by end of Feb. is I'm suppose to go to MN to see Lexy during Spring Break. And my dad said I can't go until I get my permit.
Speaking of my dad, we have been getting along ok.. except he's put an hour time limit on my internet time, which ticks me off. I need to talk to people, and the only time I really get that chance is online. and an hour isn't enough to have a meaningful conversation with anybody.
School is good, all A's and B's. Nothing really new there.

Besides that, I've been delving deeper into who I am and what I believe. I have known for ever that I am dark and cynical. But I have recently realized that is isn't really a bad thing, my 'darkness' is more of a perspective other people see me from when they compare me to normal people. The way I see it is as follows:
"Say you see a ray of sunlight coming through the roof of a building. It makes you fell happy inside, you feel glad for the sunlight. Then, as you get closer to the source, yo realize that the light comes from a large electric light. Can you really see the light as sunlight anymore? Now that you know the truth behind the illusion, can you really think of it as you had before you knew the truth?"
I've seen the electric light behind so many "rays of sunshine", I don't see the world like other people do. It isn't that I am dark, I just am darker than other people.

Now I just have to figure out why I am always questioning people's good intentions towards me. Like when someone says they trust me, I ask why. If someone says I am interesting to talk to, I ask why. But why do I ask why? Is it because I want to know what people see in me? Is it because I am trying to use the Socratic method to get them to rethink their position about me? I don't know.. but maybe I will. Someday...