"Thoughts of a Deranged Mind" (Update 4/4/09)

There actually isn't much to update, I just need to rant a bit. Do you mind? You don't have to read anymore if you do.

{Warning: Minor language used in following post. Do not be alarmed, English is the author's native language.}

Well, I figured I might put some more personal stuff in here. I mean, not many people actually read this thing, right? I gave Jane the link a while back and when I asked her if she red it recently the other day she said she hasn't read it for a few months. And either I have less goo friends then I thought or they aren't reading this, 'cause I think (though I might be wrong) that few people in particular would like E-mail me or talk to me at CH about whats going on in my life. Not htat I'm complaining, I'm just stating what I see.

So anyways.... Life is seeming kinda pointless right now. I don't know where I want to go.... wait, nvm, I don't know how to get to where I want to go, or even if getting there is possible for me. I want to get a double-major in Music and Writing, and then write books and/or comics and/or TV or movie scripts; and then do some music gigs and recording along the side (unless I can make it big with music, then its Nashville for this crazy 6-string player =) ). But to major in music at most colleges you need to have taken a stringed orchestral instrument, and/or piano. I've had half a year of piano, and the only stringed instruments I have ever played are 6-string and 12-string guitars and 4-string bass. So unless I get lucky I'm kinda skrewed there. I probably have a chance with Writing though.
So ten there is the whole Job/Drivers License thing. I'm 18, I don't have my permit, I've failed 6 drivers tests trying to get the stupid thing, and it's driving me crazy! And I need a job at some point to, which I'm not so worried about... yet.
And then there is the fact that I'm over half a year behind on my Health, US Gov, and Literature. I don't think I can make it!
Excuse me a minute: (@$%&*^#&$@*&$^#&@*~`*&#^$%":@#$%666;@#$%!!!)
Ok... I'm, OK.
The last thing is Lexy. As you know, I am officially 100% single, and not looking for anyone new and not planning to look for anyone new until God puts someone in front of me or Kingdom Come. But for the last couple months, she has been my Reason. I mean, why was I going to college? So I could marry her and be able to support her. Why was I struggling so hard not to snap at my parents? Because if I did, they wouldn't let me go visit her. Why was I saving up money and not buying stuff for my guitars? So I would be able to take her out when I did visit her. Why was I not letting myself go crazy with all my frustration? Because someone had to be strong for her. now she gone, and I don't need to be as strong. I can snap if I want, I can let it all go and go be insane and crazy and not give a dang about the rest of the world and it's crappy problems. But I don't want to. Problem is, I don't know how long I can stay strong and collected. And in the process of staying strong and collected, will I become that cold, emotionless person I am so afraid of becoming?


So, the whole point I guess is that, considering that this all mens nothing in heaven, it seems alot of stress and work for nothing. So I'm kinda looking for motive to go on, and I'm not finding it.