So... I was talking to Meredith earlier and actually managed to put my little "Life-Journey" into a form that actually made sense. She said it was "interesting" (although not why), and I thought I might post it for someone else to read, maybe be inspired by... i dont know.
Anyways, here it is:
"I am looking for understanding of myself... but I cant rely on only what I see and read in myself, so I try and cross-reference what I see in me with what other people see in me. The reason why I ask for others to analyze me all the time is because people rarely will offer that kind of personal analys freely... or sometimes at all. The one thing I truely fear in this world, and the one thing I cant seem to understand, is Me.Even Math and Science, which are my worst subjects and the bane of my academic life, I can understand... But when it comes to my own heart and mind... there is no textbook, no manual, no one who already understands who can walk me through it... not even an instruction manual on how to understand yourself.And so I ask people to analyze me, I read books and watch movies and TV shows and analyze the elements that stick out to me and touch me personally... I analyze people and help them with their problems in the hops that one of the people I help has the answer to my own heart in their life story.... and thats it... thats why I do what I do, that is what I am always searching for...
Maybe my search will end when I do, who knows... but one way or another, either before or after death, I will understand who I am, why I am, and why I do things and think things like I do."
there is is, folks. Post thoughts as a comment, please.
More to come another day, Josh signing off.
December 17, 2010
December 12, 2010
Josh’s Psalm
Josh’s Psalm
2/3/2010
Oh God, save me from myself, help me look within.
Cleanse me of deceit and the vices of fellow men.
Damn this cursed hypocrisy, damn this heart of sin.
Where repentance is shown only when caught, but never again.
Renew my mind and save this wretched Soul, that’s my constant prayer.
For in your arms are rest and peace, of which you freely share.
Peace I desire above all else for this tortured Soul,
And rest is such a luxury I rarely find.
And I may not be as old as other men are, and definitely not as wise,
But I have come away with some knowledge from the world and all its lies.
One thing I have found in this dreary world, this life cannot be saved.
You either die the victor, or you live to become a slave.
For Christ is freedom of mind and Soul, He is the Lord of Hosts.
And you must be first dead to this world, and surrender to the Holy Ghost.
2/3/2010
Oh God, save me from myself, help me look within.
Cleanse me of deceit and the vices of fellow men.
Damn this cursed hypocrisy, damn this heart of sin.
Where repentance is shown only when caught, but never again.
Renew my mind and save this wretched Soul, that’s my constant prayer.
For in your arms are rest and peace, of which you freely share.
Peace I desire above all else for this tortured Soul,
And rest is such a luxury I rarely find.
And I may not be as old as other men are, and definitely not as wise,
But I have come away with some knowledge from the world and all its lies.
One thing I have found in this dreary world, this life cannot be saved.
You either die the victor, or you live to become a slave.
For Christ is freedom of mind and Soul, He is the Lord of Hosts.
And you must be first dead to this world, and surrender to the Holy Ghost.
December 10, 2010
Thoughts.2 (12/10/10)
More thoughts...
I recently read the book "Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card. It is science-fiction novel about a boy who is sent off to a place called "Battle School" where he is groomed to be the commander of the Earth forces in a first-strike maneuver against a race of insectoid aliens that the humans have been at war with for years.
One of the things that Andrew "Ender" Wiggin, the main character notes, is that while he is an amazing leader and strategic soldier, he is noone's friend. He leads his little "army" when at the School, but even though some of his 'toon leaders where his friends and everything, he is still set apart. He is their commander, their leader, and nothing more.
One of the methods the teachers training Ender use is a process of seperation from the other kids at the school. They alienate him in order to bring him up to be a strong, independant leader. This is the main reason for why when he becomes a commander, he is the leader and nothing else.
This is how I have ended up. I am a protector, an advisor, a guardian. But I am no one's friend. I am an antagonist whose purpose is to strengthen and harden those who need it, and to annoy those who dont. I am not friend material. Once my particular services or skills are no longer needed, I become a burden for whoever I was oringinally helping. I think this is why I always feel so alone. I dont have friends, I have students and trainees and protectees, and I have allies.
But I do not have friends.
I recently read the book "Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card. It is science-fiction novel about a boy who is sent off to a place called "Battle School" where he is groomed to be the commander of the Earth forces in a first-strike maneuver against a race of insectoid aliens that the humans have been at war with for years.
One of the things that Andrew "Ender" Wiggin, the main character notes, is that while he is an amazing leader and strategic soldier, he is noone's friend. He leads his little "army" when at the School, but even though some of his 'toon leaders where his friends and everything, he is still set apart. He is their commander, their leader, and nothing more.
One of the methods the teachers training Ender use is a process of seperation from the other kids at the school. They alienate him in order to bring him up to be a strong, independant leader. This is the main reason for why when he becomes a commander, he is the leader and nothing else.
This is how I have ended up. I am a protector, an advisor, a guardian. But I am no one's friend. I am an antagonist whose purpose is to strengthen and harden those who need it, and to annoy those who dont. I am not friend material. Once my particular services or skills are no longer needed, I become a burden for whoever I was oringinally helping. I think this is why I always feel so alone. I dont have friends, I have students and trainees and protectees, and I have allies.
But I do not have friends.
Thoughts.... (12/10/10)
So, I've been watching the TV show "Heroes", and one character has especially stood out to me. Sylar, played by Zachary Quinto, is a super-human with the ability to analyze the workings of other super-humans and absorb their abilities. Throughout the show (at least, the first 3 seasons) he is hunting for a few things.
First: He is hunting for new powers to add to his colelction, leaving a trail of blood behind him.
Second: He is looking for answers to his past, who his father was and why his father left him when he was young.
Third: He is looking to somehow reconcile himself with his parents, both biological and adopted, and to come to grips with who or what he is.
And Fourth: He is looking to make up for all the pain he felt when he was younger by causing pain for others.
He also has a few personal vendettas he picks up along the way, but those four things are the main parts of Sylar's story.
Watching his struggle with himself and with others, it made me think through some things in my own life and my own personal mission.
One thing is why I always watch so much TV, why I collect stories, and why I read so much and from such a variety of genres and sources. I am searching for something, I am lookng for answers in the stories. I am looking for pieces of my life in the recorded and created.
I dont know what I'm looking for, I dont know why I'm looking for it. But I know I am searching, picking up stories where I find them and analyzing them in search for something. I dont know if I will ever find my answers, but recognizing there is a journey is the first step towards completeing it.
More to come as I figure it out.
First: He is hunting for new powers to add to his colelction, leaving a trail of blood behind him.
Second: He is looking for answers to his past, who his father was and why his father left him when he was young.
Third: He is looking to somehow reconcile himself with his parents, both biological and adopted, and to come to grips with who or what he is.
And Fourth: He is looking to make up for all the pain he felt when he was younger by causing pain for others.
He also has a few personal vendettas he picks up along the way, but those four things are the main parts of Sylar's story.
Watching his struggle with himself and with others, it made me think through some things in my own life and my own personal mission.
One thing is why I always watch so much TV, why I collect stories, and why I read so much and from such a variety of genres and sources. I am searching for something, I am lookng for answers in the stories. I am looking for pieces of my life in the recorded and created.
I dont know what I'm looking for, I dont know why I'm looking for it. But I know I am searching, picking up stories where I find them and analyzing them in search for something. I dont know if I will ever find my answers, but recognizing there is a journey is the first step towards completeing it.
More to come as I figure it out.
November 19, 2010
Hailee's Commemoration: (11/19/10)
So, I've decided to do a number of kinda commemorations for special people in my life. The first is for Hailee, more people will come soon.
Hailee Commemoration (11/18/10):
So, I met this girl about a week and a half ago, Hailee. She is about 16, and she is probably the best thing to happen to me in while. Now, just to eliminate confusion, it is not a romantic relationship. She is my adopted little sister. Or, my “pet-name” (no pun intended) for her, “Silly Bunny”. =J
She is funny, sweet, smarter than she gives herself credit for, and has a beautiful personality. She is very reserved though, she has had some trauma in her life (that I will not disclose) that kinda wears on her social interactions. She doesn’t seem to know what to talk about a lot. I have to push her for a conversation usually. But when she does talk, the personality that peeks through that quirky half-smile and sparkly eyes is intriguing.
She has a lot more to her than she lets out. She is afraid of trusting people, she is afraid of trusting herself. She seems to want to trust people, she just doesn’t know how to.
I’ve adopted her as my “Little Sister”, I think there is a lot we can teach each other (even though she disagrees). I think she can teach me to be a bit of a nicer person, to pay attention to the subtleties of a person’s personality and be sensitive to their quirks, eccentric personalities, and touchy topics. I can teach her to be more outgoing to trust people and how to open up more to certain people.
So, in here is to Hailee, my silly little Bunny =J. Who has restored my faith not only in the innocence of people, but also in my faith in my own use to the people I interact with. I actually make her laugh and it makes me feel better about myself. It isn’t a job, like so many other people I’ve had come to me in the past. It’s a pleasure, it actually makes me happy.
So, here’s to you, you silly Bunny. =P
Hailee Commemoration (11/18/10):
So, I met this girl about a week and a half ago, Hailee. She is about 16, and she is probably the best thing to happen to me in while. Now, just to eliminate confusion, it is not a romantic relationship. She is my adopted little sister. Or, my “pet-name” (no pun intended) for her, “Silly Bunny”. =J
She is funny, sweet, smarter than she gives herself credit for, and has a beautiful personality. She is very reserved though, she has had some trauma in her life (that I will not disclose) that kinda wears on her social interactions. She doesn’t seem to know what to talk about a lot. I have to push her for a conversation usually. But when she does talk, the personality that peeks through that quirky half-smile and sparkly eyes is intriguing.
She has a lot more to her than she lets out. She is afraid of trusting people, she is afraid of trusting herself. She seems to want to trust people, she just doesn’t know how to.
I’ve adopted her as my “Little Sister”, I think there is a lot we can teach each other (even though she disagrees). I think she can teach me to be a bit of a nicer person, to pay attention to the subtleties of a person’s personality and be sensitive to their quirks, eccentric personalities, and touchy topics. I can teach her to be more outgoing to trust people and how to open up more to certain people.
So, in here is to Hailee, my silly little Bunny =J. Who has restored my faith not only in the innocence of people, but also in my faith in my own use to the people I interact with. I actually make her laugh and it makes me feel better about myself. It isn’t a job, like so many other people I’ve had come to me in the past. It’s a pleasure, it actually makes me happy.
So, here’s to you, you silly Bunny. =P
November 5, 2010
"Compassion" (11/5/10)
I was watching a TV show recently, and two of tha characters were having a conversation and one mentioned that the other that they believed compassion was a weakness.
This got me thinking. Some people do think compassion is a weakness, but if you really think about it, it is more of a sign strength.
Compassion, in certain scenerios, is an extension of grace to a person or persons who could potentially come back and bite the one extending compassion's hand.
I for one would rather eliminate a threat than extend it a courtsey such as compassion. Now, my general motive is simply the fact that I dont like having to watch my back at all moments of the day. But I know others who deny compassion becaise they are afraid of what could happen if they extend compassion and their good-will is turned on them.
So, I might edit this post later or maybe add to it but, basically, I believe compassion is a sign of great strength, not of weakness of any kind or intensity.
Talk more later,
~Josh
This got me thinking. Some people do think compassion is a weakness, but if you really think about it, it is more of a sign strength.
Compassion, in certain scenerios, is an extension of grace to a person or persons who could potentially come back and bite the one extending compassion's hand.
I for one would rather eliminate a threat than extend it a courtsey such as compassion. Now, my general motive is simply the fact that I dont like having to watch my back at all moments of the day. But I know others who deny compassion becaise they are afraid of what could happen if they extend compassion and their good-will is turned on them.
So, I might edit this post later or maybe add to it but, basically, I believe compassion is a sign of great strength, not of weakness of any kind or intensity.
Talk more later,
~Josh
November 4, 2010
How Do You Want to Die? (11/4/10)
How do you want to die?
I've been thinking of that recently. Not because I want to die, mind you, but simply because Death is a part of Life.
I've had people tell me not to focus on Death, but on Life. Thing is, when you tell someone a friend or loved one passed away, what do they ask? "How did they die?" They never really ask "How did they live".
Infact, beyond what you hear from the friends, family, and preacher during a person's funeral, you rarely hear about a person's life.
So, that brings me to the question, "how do you want to die?"
I know how I want to die. I want to have my life sacrificed to save someone or something greater than me. Which, in my mind, is almost anything.
You see it in the movies all the time: Boromir in "Lord of the Rings", Neo in "The Matrix", Maximus in "Gladiator", William Wallace in "Braveheart"...
To quote Bon Jovi:
"Lord, I got to ask a favor, and I'll hope you'll understand. 'Cause I've lived life to the fullest, let this boy die like a man. Staring down a bullet, let me make my final stand."
Thats how I want to be remembered. Thats how I want to die.
How do you want to die?
I've been thinking of that recently. Not because I want to die, mind you, but simply because Death is a part of Life.
I've had people tell me not to focus on Death, but on Life. Thing is, when you tell someone a friend or loved one passed away, what do they ask? "How did they die?" They never really ask "How did they live".
Infact, beyond what you hear from the friends, family, and preacher during a person's funeral, you rarely hear about a person's life.
So, that brings me to the question, "how do you want to die?"
I know how I want to die. I want to have my life sacrificed to save someone or something greater than me. Which, in my mind, is almost anything.
You see it in the movies all the time: Boromir in "Lord of the Rings", Neo in "The Matrix", Maximus in "Gladiator", William Wallace in "Braveheart"...
To quote Bon Jovi:
"Lord, I got to ask a favor, and I'll hope you'll understand. 'Cause I've lived life to the fullest, let this boy die like a man. Staring down a bullet, let me make my final stand."
Thats how I want to be remembered. Thats how I want to die.
How do you want to die?
Book Publishing- Need Your Help!!!
Okay, so I'm looking into getting a couple of my books published. But I need your people's helps to do it!
Here is a link to the book's Blog:
http://taskeforce-deathwalk.blogspot.com/?zx=375013743d2a753d
What I need is for you to read either some of it or all of it, even if you only read a few chapters is fine; and I need all the comments, critiques, and feedback you can give me. Anything that might make the story or the writting better.
The reward? If you idea is used, I'll be sure to cite you in the book's credits.
You can post your comments either on the last post of the blog or here. I might open my Facebook page up for this, but I am not sure yet.
Thank you so much!
~Josh
Here is a link to the book's Blog:
http://taskeforce-deathwalk.blogspot.com/?zx=375013743d2a753d
What I need is for you to read either some of it or all of it, even if you only read a few chapters is fine; and I need all the comments, critiques, and feedback you can give me. Anything that might make the story or the writting better.
The reward? If you idea is used, I'll be sure to cite you in the book's credits.
You can post your comments either on the last post of the blog or here. I might open my Facebook page up for this, but I am not sure yet.
Thank you so much!
~Josh
October 27, 2010
"Supernatural" (10/27/10)
Okay, so I started watching the TV show "Supernatural". For those who havent seen it, basic storyline is as follows:
"2 brothers, Dean and Sam, hunt and kill supernatural monsters while searching for the demon that killed their mom."
So, what I've really been attracted to (besides the whole "supernatural/mystical" aspect), is the brothers and their lives. They travel around, not reallystaying in one place or another for very long, dealing with things that would scare the hell out of normal people, and they never have the luxury of staying in one place long enough to support a relationship. I mean, Dean is always complaining he never gets any action with the ladies, and Sam keeps falling for a girl, then has to leave her.
I do kinda the same thing. I deal with all sorts of stuff, depression, suicide, failing relationships, etc, all the time. I never stay in one social group for long, always moving along and never really building a relationship with most people. And, like Sam, it sometimes eats away at me. But, also like Sam, I recognize the importance of what I do. And I realize that my little "mission" in life is more important than my social life. And, when I really think about it, I wouldnt have it any other way.
Anyways, those are my thoughts.
Update you all later.
"2 brothers, Dean and Sam, hunt and kill supernatural monsters while searching for the demon that killed their mom."
So, what I've really been attracted to (besides the whole "supernatural/mystical" aspect), is the brothers and their lives. They travel around, not reallystaying in one place or another for very long, dealing with things that would scare the hell out of normal people, and they never have the luxury of staying in one place long enough to support a relationship. I mean, Dean is always complaining he never gets any action with the ladies, and Sam keeps falling for a girl, then has to leave her.
I do kinda the same thing. I deal with all sorts of stuff, depression, suicide, failing relationships, etc, all the time. I never stay in one social group for long, always moving along and never really building a relationship with most people. And, like Sam, it sometimes eats away at me. But, also like Sam, I recognize the importance of what I do. And I realize that my little "mission" in life is more important than my social life. And, when I really think about it, I wouldnt have it any other way.
Anyways, those are my thoughts.
Update you all later.
October 24, 2010
Just Ranting.... (10/24/10)
So.... I know no one really reads this, but I figure at least it can help me release some of my pent up emotions.
I think I realized today how alone I really am.
For those of you that havent heard, Liz and I... not really broke up, but until further notice we are no longer an "item". The why's and where's arent important, needless to say though that it has seriously messed me up emotionally. I mean, I've actually cried. I havent cried since I was like 4 or 5. So that hasnt helped me much.
I keep argueing with my family. I mean, it isnt all big stuff, but all added together it really wears on me. I dont even want to spend any time with them because unless its just me, my mom, dad, and my sister, its just unbearable.
And.... I'm pushing what few friends I have away. Let me rephrase, I'm pushing the maybe 3 friends I have away. Kirsten's boyfriend has been a help, just talking to me and listening. But... others, Meredith to name just one, they dont understand what I need.
I was talking to Mere just a little while ago, and I really just wanted to talk. But after I told her a little of what was on my mind, she started into lectureing. now, she caleld it a "sermon", but it is really the same thing and helps about as much. She gave me some chapters in the Bible to read, and it was good advice/counsel/whatever, but not for me right now. I need someone to talk to, who will try to just talk and understand what I'm thinking and feeling. I dont need someone to lecture, give me a sermon, or to pity me. I just need someone to talk to.... and no one seems to understand that...
So, I pushed Mere away... after going to so much trouble to bring myself to actually talk to her about what was bothing me... she started lecturing and I pushed her away.
Same thing with everyone else I talk to (or try to talk to). I just want to know how they are doing, doesnt matter if they are want to have a discussion with me, I just want to know what bugging them. But, of course, then they have to go ask how I'm doing. And then they push for me to tell them whats going on. And if I tell them, guess what? Lectures and a pity-party. And if I dont talk to them? I push them away. Then again.... out of the like almost 300 "friends" I have on Facebook, I only really talk to like... 10 at the very most.
I'm almost to the point I'm going to just delete my Facebook account and stop being such a bother to everyone. The only reason I dont is because Kirsten wouldnt hear from me and neither would her bf. But, I mean, Meredith is the only one to regularly talk to me. And even when someone does talk to me.... it rarely ends well.
Anyways... I'll talk to yah all later.
Bye.
I think I realized today how alone I really am.
For those of you that havent heard, Liz and I... not really broke up, but until further notice we are no longer an "item". The why's and where's arent important, needless to say though that it has seriously messed me up emotionally. I mean, I've actually cried. I havent cried since I was like 4 or 5. So that hasnt helped me much.
I keep argueing with my family. I mean, it isnt all big stuff, but all added together it really wears on me. I dont even want to spend any time with them because unless its just me, my mom, dad, and my sister, its just unbearable.
And.... I'm pushing what few friends I have away. Let me rephrase, I'm pushing the maybe 3 friends I have away. Kirsten's boyfriend has been a help, just talking to me and listening. But... others, Meredith to name just one, they dont understand what I need.
I was talking to Mere just a little while ago, and I really just wanted to talk. But after I told her a little of what was on my mind, she started into lectureing. now, she caleld it a "sermon", but it is really the same thing and helps about as much. She gave me some chapters in the Bible to read, and it was good advice/counsel/whatever, but not for me right now. I need someone to talk to, who will try to just talk and understand what I'm thinking and feeling. I dont need someone to lecture, give me a sermon, or to pity me. I just need someone to talk to.... and no one seems to understand that...
So, I pushed Mere away... after going to so much trouble to bring myself to actually talk to her about what was bothing me... she started lecturing and I pushed her away.
Same thing with everyone else I talk to (or try to talk to). I just want to know how they are doing, doesnt matter if they are want to have a discussion with me, I just want to know what bugging them. But, of course, then they have to go ask how I'm doing. And then they push for me to tell them whats going on. And if I tell them, guess what? Lectures and a pity-party. And if I dont talk to them? I push them away. Then again.... out of the like almost 300 "friends" I have on Facebook, I only really talk to like... 10 at the very most.
I'm almost to the point I'm going to just delete my Facebook account and stop being such a bother to everyone. The only reason I dont is because Kirsten wouldnt hear from me and neither would her bf. But, I mean, Meredith is the only one to regularly talk to me. And even when someone does talk to me.... it rarely ends well.
Anyways... I'll talk to yah all later.
Bye.
October 3, 2010
Update: 10/3/10
Well, here we go again.
Work is good, I actually like working register. Especially when the people have kids who are outgoing. The other day I had this 7 year-old girl whose mom had a cartload of party-favors helped me run all the items through checkout and then bag them. I like helping the customers on the floor too, but I dont get enough people looking for drawing or painting supplies. I dont know much about the sewing/yarn department, and heaven help me when they ask about beads. Most the other stuff I can get along fine with.
Um..... found a new song I like, its "Like the Rain" by Clint Black. Really good song, exactly my type. I definately recommend looking it up and listening to it. I've even looked up the chords and stuff and have been playing with it on guitar.
Um.... okay, onto the biggest and most importan subject in my life, Liz.
Well, the least of my problems is that her dad isnt exactly comfortable with me, I dont think. I was over at their house the other night and we were watching "Phantom of the Opera" and Liz had leaned up against me and I had my arm around her. Her dad called her downstairs, and when she came back we couldnt even hold hands. From what I hear, her mom is okay with it. But, I totally get where her dad is coming from. I mean, I'm the guy who put a knife to another guy's neck when he was publically cussing out his girlfriend. I have enough "adopted siblings", especially ones who have been seriously hurt by bad relationships, that I'm overtly cautious and protective of them. I get what he's thinking, what his concerns are, all that. And, as long as he still lets me come over and gets over his fears by Liz's birthday, I can live with it.
The next thing... I dont know if I've mentioned this before, but Liz wants to join the Air Force. And it scares the hell out of me. I mean, if she does join and has to go away for long periods of time, I'm going to be even more alone than I am now. And, the sad thing is, I knew this before I even go involved with her. I feel as if... almost as if I'm loseing her before I met her. And if she gets sent into combat, and gets hurt of worse, I dont know how I'm going to take it.
I figure, if we go all the way and get married and all, and she does join the Air Force, I've got a few options.
1- I become an Air Force Chaplain and get stationed wherever she is.
2- I go musician like I've wanted to and move wherever she has to be.
3-We have kids, I stay home with them as a reminder of her, and miss her ever second she's gone.
I dont know what to do really.... so, anyways...
The bonus behind all this, for the last week or 2 my mind has been calmer, I've been happier than I have been, My headaches are down, I havent even had to take Tylenol in the last 5 days. Normally I take the max dosage I can.
So... my future might be confused and looking dim, but as of now, I'm doing better than I have in a long while.
I got nothing else, really.
I'll update you all later.
This is Josh, signing off.
Work is good, I actually like working register. Especially when the people have kids who are outgoing. The other day I had this 7 year-old girl whose mom had a cartload of party-favors helped me run all the items through checkout and then bag them. I like helping the customers on the floor too, but I dont get enough people looking for drawing or painting supplies. I dont know much about the sewing/yarn department, and heaven help me when they ask about beads. Most the other stuff I can get along fine with.
Um..... found a new song I like, its "Like the Rain" by Clint Black. Really good song, exactly my type. I definately recommend looking it up and listening to it. I've even looked up the chords and stuff and have been playing with it on guitar.
Um.... okay, onto the biggest and most importan subject in my life, Liz.
Well, the least of my problems is that her dad isnt exactly comfortable with me, I dont think. I was over at their house the other night and we were watching "Phantom of the Opera" and Liz had leaned up against me and I had my arm around her. Her dad called her downstairs, and when she came back we couldnt even hold hands. From what I hear, her mom is okay with it. But, I totally get where her dad is coming from. I mean, I'm the guy who put a knife to another guy's neck when he was publically cussing out his girlfriend. I have enough "adopted siblings", especially ones who have been seriously hurt by bad relationships, that I'm overtly cautious and protective of them. I get what he's thinking, what his concerns are, all that. And, as long as he still lets me come over and gets over his fears by Liz's birthday, I can live with it.
The next thing... I dont know if I've mentioned this before, but Liz wants to join the Air Force. And it scares the hell out of me. I mean, if she does join and has to go away for long periods of time, I'm going to be even more alone than I am now. And, the sad thing is, I knew this before I even go involved with her. I feel as if... almost as if I'm loseing her before I met her. And if she gets sent into combat, and gets hurt of worse, I dont know how I'm going to take it.
I figure, if we go all the way and get married and all, and she does join the Air Force, I've got a few options.
1- I become an Air Force Chaplain and get stationed wherever she is.
2- I go musician like I've wanted to and move wherever she has to be.
3-We have kids, I stay home with them as a reminder of her, and miss her ever second she's gone.
I dont know what to do really.... so, anyways...
The bonus behind all this, for the last week or 2 my mind has been calmer, I've been happier than I have been, My headaches are down, I havent even had to take Tylenol in the last 5 days. Normally I take the max dosage I can.
So... my future might be confused and looking dim, but as of now, I'm doing better than I have in a long while.
I got nothing else, really.
I'll update you all later.
This is Josh, signing off.
September 29, 2010
Update: 9/29/10
Okay, so I havent done anything on here in a loooong while, so here I am =J
So.... onto the update:
I got a job at Michaels, its fun =) So far all the people I work with are nice and I actually get along with them. Which, is kinda surprising for me. I get to use the kool walkie-talkie thing, but I cant get the one that goes in the cuff of your shirt or jacket =P like the Secret Service guys. =D
As for the memory problem I talked about last time, its been resolved. Everything I was missing I have either regained or got them figured out. So everything on that front is good =)
um.... Lizee. Thats been kinda stressful and crazy. But, you know what? She understands me, she doesnt want to critisize or change me like a lot of people want to do, she just wants to be there for me. And I cant even discribe how that makes me feel. That hole inside me, the one that eats away at my heart and mind every time I see or hear of other people who have close relationships with a girlfriend or wife, its filling up. And, even when there is a problem I have to work through, things like a suicidal friend, someone whose depressed, my usual set of situations, I feel content. I feel content with who I am, with what I do, everything. Might I even say I feel happy? I know, Josh? Happy? No, you are not seeing things, no, you are not going crazy.... Josh is feeling happy!
Talk about weird, right?
Now all I have to do is get shceduled to talk to her parents, who I (another shocker) am actually scared of. Seriously, but I'm not like, "crap, her dad could kick my butt" scared; its more a "crap, they could take away the best thing to happen in my life since music" fear. So.... if you are a praying person, pray I will get along with them. 'Cause, seriously, I dont know how to get along with people. if they want to get along with me, I'm fine. But when I go out of my way to get along with someone, I alwaysseem to mess it up. Hopefully, with Liz's help (and maybe even some understanding fron her parents), everything will work out for the absolute best. =)
Anyways, besides just watching "Transporter: 3" and LOVING IT! And also watching "Reign of Fire" and LOVING IT TOO!, everything is good =) Except I'm really bored and watching "MI: 3" (even though I dont really like the movie =P ).
So, yeah. Update you later!
So.... onto the update:
I got a job at Michaels, its fun =) So far all the people I work with are nice and I actually get along with them. Which, is kinda surprising for me. I get to use the kool walkie-talkie thing, but I cant get the one that goes in the cuff of your shirt or jacket =P like the Secret Service guys. =D
As for the memory problem I talked about last time, its been resolved. Everything I was missing I have either regained or got them figured out. So everything on that front is good =)
um.... Lizee. Thats been kinda stressful and crazy. But, you know what? She understands me, she doesnt want to critisize or change me like a lot of people want to do, she just wants to be there for me. And I cant even discribe how that makes me feel. That hole inside me, the one that eats away at my heart and mind every time I see or hear of other people who have close relationships with a girlfriend or wife, its filling up. And, even when there is a problem I have to work through, things like a suicidal friend, someone whose depressed, my usual set of situations, I feel content. I feel content with who I am, with what I do, everything. Might I even say I feel happy? I know, Josh? Happy? No, you are not seeing things, no, you are not going crazy.... Josh is feeling happy!
Talk about weird, right?
Now all I have to do is get shceduled to talk to her parents, who I (another shocker) am actually scared of. Seriously, but I'm not like, "crap, her dad could kick my butt" scared; its more a "crap, they could take away the best thing to happen in my life since music" fear. So.... if you are a praying person, pray I will get along with them. 'Cause, seriously, I dont know how to get along with people. if they want to get along with me, I'm fine. But when I go out of my way to get along with someone, I alwaysseem to mess it up. Hopefully, with Liz's help (and maybe even some understanding fron her parents), everything will work out for the absolute best. =)
Anyways, besides just watching "Transporter: 3" and LOVING IT! And also watching "Reign of Fire" and LOVING IT TOO!, everything is good =) Except I'm really bored and watching "MI: 3" (even though I dont really like the movie =P ).
So, yeah. Update you later!
August 30, 2010
Update: 8/30/10
Okay.... Today was skrewy. I had another Diabetic Siezure. Last time I had it I forgot a nights-worth of memory. This time the gap is bigger. Apparently I got a job, I'm supposed to go in on Tuesday. I also am planning on going out with a girl I've know a while, name's Lizee. Problem is, I've lost memories from the last couple days, everything is either scrambled or missing. I'm waiting to try and sort things out, gather my memories from other people.
Apparently, I'm also scheduled to go out with Lizee sometime. But, due to my memory gaps, my recolection of that is sketchy. I need to talk to her... I'm waiting for her to either get on Facebook, or I'll try to call her tomorrow.
um.... I'll try to come up with more to say later... as I said, brain is kinda shot.
Apparently, I'm also scheduled to go out with Lizee sometime. But, due to my memory gaps, my recolection of that is sketchy. I need to talk to her... I'm waiting for her to either get on Facebook, or I'll try to call her tomorrow.
um.... I'll try to come up with more to say later... as I said, brain is kinda shot.
August 20, 2010
Job! (Update: 8/20/2010)
Well, I have a job. its at a Michaels Art's & Craft store (location withheld). I start sometime after the 5th of September. The job is basically everythign in the store, register, customer service, stocking shelves, unloading trucks and unpacking boxes, with the emphisis on customer service. I cant wait to start =)
And... I think I have a date in the future. Details on the lucky lady to come at a later date.
And... I think I have a date in the future. Details on the lucky lady to come at a later date.
August 1, 2010
An intersting thought.... (Update 8/1/10)
Well, I got back from my Aunt & Uncle's a few days ago. Yesterday we spent the morning mowing, weed-eating, cleaning up outside and in. Then in the afternoon Dad had some friends from work over. It was an intersting and stressfull day.
A couple things that have been getting to me lately, first is Mom and Dad. They control when I get to use the car, therefore they control when I get to go out and with who I get to go out with. So, basically, I get to go to take siblings to a places that are on a very short list, or I get to go and do stuff for my job search. Later this month is there is an open-mike thing at a local coffee shop. Now, from the beginning I've wanted to play music at like a coffee shop or cafe or something like that. But Dad says I cant use the car. Not only to I need the music outlet, I need the social interaction.
Another thing, I have no support from my family. My Dad either insults my plans, shuts them down, or strongly encourages me to forget about it. My mom goes with whatever my dad says, even if she doesnt agree, and my brothers all think I'm stupid. My sister is the only one who might go along with me, but I have no idea. I mean, my music, my writing, noe of it has been encouraged much by my family. Only the writing on an acedemic level, and everything else it seems allowances have been made, but thats it.
Anyways... I'm ranting now and should just shut up.
I got to go, I'll write more later.
This is Josh, signing off.
A couple things that have been getting to me lately, first is Mom and Dad. They control when I get to use the car, therefore they control when I get to go out and with who I get to go out with. So, basically, I get to go to take siblings to a places that are on a very short list, or I get to go and do stuff for my job search. Later this month is there is an open-mike thing at a local coffee shop. Now, from the beginning I've wanted to play music at like a coffee shop or cafe or something like that. But Dad says I cant use the car. Not only to I need the music outlet, I need the social interaction.
Another thing, I have no support from my family. My Dad either insults my plans, shuts them down, or strongly encourages me to forget about it. My mom goes with whatever my dad says, even if she doesnt agree, and my brothers all think I'm stupid. My sister is the only one who might go along with me, but I have no idea. I mean, my music, my writing, noe of it has been encouraged much by my family. Only the writing on an acedemic level, and everything else it seems allowances have been made, but thats it.
Anyways... I'm ranting now and should just shut up.
I got to go, I'll write more later.
This is Josh, signing off.
July 25, 2010
(Update 7/25/10)
Well, today was maybe my dullest day. My hip hurt bad enough I opted not to go anywhere, but I'm thinking of going over to walk around by Fred Meyers again tomorrow. This morning I got up around 7:30, but decided to not eat breakfast. Wasnt really hungry for some reason. I did eat lunch and dinner, though. For dinner I made turkey-burgers on my aunt/uncle's GeorgeForeman grill.
A couple interesting things of note about the day, I organized my aunt/uncle's CD rack for them =) It was in pretty sad shape.
Also, I watch "Shaun of the Dead" =P its hilarious, although you need to get past the slight use of the F-word. Otherwise its funny. Its a Brit spoof on "Dawn of the Dead". One of the funny things in it (for me anyways) is the fact that Shaun sets off in the start of the movie with 6 "allies". His girlfriend, his "mum" and stepdad, his gf's 2 friends, and his best friend. Well, by the end of the movie, only Shaun and his Gf are still alive =P Now in a usual movie all the heros save maybe one who dies for a specific purpose survive, so this was kinda refreshing =P
anyways, hip still is killing me, but thats all for now.
This is Josh, signing off.
A couple interesting things of note about the day, I organized my aunt/uncle's CD rack for them =) It was in pretty sad shape.
Also, I watch "Shaun of the Dead" =P its hilarious, although you need to get past the slight use of the F-word. Otherwise its funny. Its a Brit spoof on "Dawn of the Dead". One of the funny things in it (for me anyways) is the fact that Shaun sets off in the start of the movie with 6 "allies". His girlfriend, his "mum" and stepdad, his gf's 2 friends, and his best friend. Well, by the end of the movie, only Shaun and his Gf are still alive =P Now in a usual movie all the heros save maybe one who dies for a specific purpose survive, so this was kinda refreshing =P
anyways, hip still is killing me, but thats all for now.
This is Josh, signing off.
July 24, 2010
Allie Cat gone crazy! (Update: 7/24/10)
Today was interesting. I woke up around 6 AM and decided I was going to wake up, watch some TV, get some breakfast, then later on walk to the Canby Fred Meyers.
Well, that was a good and a bad idea. God because I got out and got some more much-needed caffeine, bad because now my hip is killing me from my little walk.
For those who dont know, when I was in 7th grade I had a little gymnastics accident and managed to jam my hip up into the socket, pinching the spinal nerve that sends brain signals to the leg. I got the hip fixed middle of 8th grade, but I guess you cant really do much to fix the nerve itself. So I sometimes get a limp when my hip acts up, but it hasnt hurt for almost 2 years. I dont know why its so bad right now.
In other news, I got to watch most of the Scorpion King last night, good movie. I also finished Seasons 2 & 3 of House, I'm going to need to get more from the library =J
Also, Allie the Cat has been really wild today. Me and her got into a few pretty good tussels and now one of my hands is scratched up =P She has also been playing behind the couch I've been sitting on, making lots of noise and almost unpluggin my laptop =J She also got up on the couch and watched TV with me for a while.
Anyways, thats all for now,
Josh signing off.
Well, that was a good and a bad idea. God because I got out and got some more much-needed caffeine, bad because now my hip is killing me from my little walk.
For those who dont know, when I was in 7th grade I had a little gymnastics accident and managed to jam my hip up into the socket, pinching the spinal nerve that sends brain signals to the leg. I got the hip fixed middle of 8th grade, but I guess you cant really do much to fix the nerve itself. So I sometimes get a limp when my hip acts up, but it hasnt hurt for almost 2 years. I dont know why its so bad right now.
In other news, I got to watch most of the Scorpion King last night, good movie. I also finished Seasons 2 & 3 of House, I'm going to need to get more from the library =J
Also, Allie the Cat has been really wild today. Me and her got into a few pretty good tussels and now one of my hands is scratched up =P She has also been playing behind the couch I've been sitting on, making lots of noise and almost unpluggin my laptop =J She also got up on the couch and watched TV with me for a while.
Anyways, thats all for now,
Josh signing off.
July 23, 2010
"Shocking, isn't it? Who'd want to kill you?" (Man, to Dr. House after shooting him) (Update: 7/23/10)
Well, today I woke up to the phone rining. Nice change from the usual pain-in-the-butt alarm clock. It was mom, she's one her way to Spokane by bus to pick up my sister. She's been taking sewing classes there, and they just just recently ended and its time for her to come home. =J
Today's day 2 of my solo-run house-sitting for my aunt & uncle. The plan is basically the same as yesterday's, check online job sites, talk to people on FB, keep tabs on Allie, watch House, and try to get some writing done. I think either today or tomorrow I'm going to walk to the Fred Meyer's and maybe Starbucks, but I dont know when.
Today's headache is just this side of murder. I think I slept 4 hours last night, and not because of being on Facebook or watching TV. For the record, FB was shut off before 12 becasue the iternet died, seemingly in the entire neightborhood. I could'd pick up even the 5 other wireless signals that are floating around next to my aunt/uncle's. It obviously is all working again now, though =P
I also watched a little over half of the first "Twilight" movie. It reminded me of some of those lame soap operas you see on the spanish channels. The action was pathetic, the romance was fake, overall it was kinda dissapointing. I dont know if I even want to see the other ones now.
Anyways, House just stabbed a yoga-practitioner in the chest with a foot-long needle, and Allie is screaming at something downstairs.
More to come later,
Josh siging off.
Today's day 2 of my solo-run house-sitting for my aunt & uncle. The plan is basically the same as yesterday's, check online job sites, talk to people on FB, keep tabs on Allie, watch House, and try to get some writing done. I think either today or tomorrow I'm going to walk to the Fred Meyer's and maybe Starbucks, but I dont know when.
Today's headache is just this side of murder. I think I slept 4 hours last night, and not because of being on Facebook or watching TV. For the record, FB was shut off before 12 becasue the iternet died, seemingly in the entire neightborhood. I could'd pick up even the 5 other wireless signals that are floating around next to my aunt/uncle's. It obviously is all working again now, though =P
I also watched a little over half of the first "Twilight" movie. It reminded me of some of those lame soap operas you see on the spanish channels. The action was pathetic, the romance was fake, overall it was kinda dissapointing. I dont know if I even want to see the other ones now.
Anyways, House just stabbed a yoga-practitioner in the chest with a foot-long needle, and Allie is screaming at something downstairs.
More to come later,
Josh siging off.
July 22, 2010
"Is it still illegal to preform an autopsy on a living person?" ~Dr. House (Update: 7/22/10)
Well, today is my first day alone at the house of my aunt/uncle, house-sitting for them while they are off at my Uncle's High School reunion.
I arrived yesterday to get aquianted with the home and the caring of their cat, Allie, and their rabid-rabbit, Molly. Me and my aunt did some last-minute grocery shopping to pick up some food, and my uncle gave me a run-down of keeping Allie happy and purring.
They left around six this morning, and after a quick breakfast of cold pizza and a poppie-seed muffin, I set in to watch some TV and try to get some writing done. Book 2 of the Taske Force Trilogy is going slow, but it will get done eventually. When I have no idea =P
The show I have currently set on is my aunt and uncle's collection of House seasons, of which I unfortunately can only find Seasons 2 & 3. I forgot how much I loved this guy, he reminds me of me on my bad days =P Infuriated with his pathetic life, annoyng as hell, and sarcastic as anything. I think we're related somehow....
Anyways, more to come later, thats all for now =J
This is Josh, signing off!
I arrived yesterday to get aquianted with the home and the caring of their cat, Allie, and their rabid-rabbit, Molly. Me and my aunt did some last-minute grocery shopping to pick up some food, and my uncle gave me a run-down of keeping Allie happy and purring.
They left around six this morning, and after a quick breakfast of cold pizza and a poppie-seed muffin, I set in to watch some TV and try to get some writing done. Book 2 of the Taske Force Trilogy is going slow, but it will get done eventually. When I have no idea =P
The show I have currently set on is my aunt and uncle's collection of House seasons, of which I unfortunately can only find Seasons 2 & 3. I forgot how much I loved this guy, he reminds me of me on my bad days =P Infuriated with his pathetic life, annoyng as hell, and sarcastic as anything. I think we're related somehow....
Anyways, more to come later, thats all for now =J
This is Josh, signing off!
July 14, 2010
Update: 7/14/2010 (Wisdom Teeth)
Well, today I got my wisdom teeth out. Luckily, I only had 2 teeth to pull, and they were only on the upper jaw. They put me under using, of course, 3 doses of anesthetic instead of the usual 2. The good news is that I didnt feel a thing. The bad news is that now, hours after the operation, my jaw hurts like..... yeah... it hurts.
Hopefully it will get better by tomorrow... but we'll see =J
Anyways... thats all I have for now!
Talk to you all later,
Josh signing off!
Hopefully it will get better by tomorrow... but we'll see =J
Anyways... thats all I have for now!
Talk to you all later,
Josh signing off!
July 9, 2010
Books! =D (7-9-10)
I have some books to recommend! =D
First off, the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. ITs a good, although sometimes confusing series about a gunslinger called "Roland" on a jounrey to what he calls the "Dark Tower". Along the way he picks up a few followers who aide him on his quest, and along the way all members of the party learn more about each other and about themselves. Warning: Some Strong Language and Violence.
The Dark Tower Series:
Book 1: "The Gunslinger"
Book 2: "The Drawing of the Three"
Book 3: "The Waste Lands"
Book 4: "Wizard and Glass"
Book 5: "Wolves of the Calla"
Book 6: "Song of Susannah"
Book 7: "The Dark Tower"
Book 8: "The Wind through the Keyhole" (Still To Be Released)
Another book I want to recommend, is "Dialouges" by Plato. Logic, dialouge, arguements, and in "Timaeus" and "Critias", you get the first telling of the legend of Atlantis ever recorded! =D
Sounds like fun? Then go READ THEM! =P
Thats all for now, Folks.
This is Josh, signing off!
First off, the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. ITs a good, although sometimes confusing series about a gunslinger called "Roland" on a jounrey to what he calls the "Dark Tower". Along the way he picks up a few followers who aide him on his quest, and along the way all members of the party learn more about each other and about themselves. Warning: Some Strong Language and Violence.
The Dark Tower Series:
Book 1: "The Gunslinger"
Book 2: "The Drawing of the Three"
Book 3: "The Waste Lands"
Book 4: "Wizard and Glass"
Book 5: "Wolves of the Calla"
Book 6: "Song of Susannah"
Book 7: "The Dark Tower"
Book 8: "The Wind through the Keyhole" (Still To Be Released)
Another book I want to recommend, is "Dialouges" by Plato. Logic, dialouge, arguements, and in "Timaeus" and "Critias", you get the first telling of the legend of Atlantis ever recorded! =D
Sounds like fun? Then go READ THEM! =P
Thats all for now, Folks.
This is Josh, signing off!
July 8, 2010
Update: 7/8/10
Well.... here goes the big update. Sorry I havent wrote anything for a while, I havent been on in a while and even when I did get online I didnt have much too say.
But, I've been told some people like reading my posts, so I guess I can write some more.
So... where do I start? Why not start with the important stuff? =)
I got my driver's lisence. It only took me three times to pass, but I finally got it. =J
I've also been applying for jobs. I've applied for 5-Star Guitars, Hillsboro Music, MIR Music, Hallmark, Fred Meyers, Michaels, Jan's Paperbacks, Rainy Day Games, and the list goes on. No replies back yet, but I plan to start callbacks within the next week.
Moving on, I got a new Laptop =) its a Sony VAIO, Intel Core i3, Blue Ray player, and encased in an awesome sea-greenish packaged.
I also have finished 2 books, "Taske Force" and "Death Walk". I'm halfway done with "Taske Force 2: The Lector Affair", it should be done by the end of the month.
On the other side of things, I found some things out about me and one of my close friends.
I discovered one my probably closest friend (not Cheyenne =J ) has a form of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). For more information check out this website:
http://www.radkid.org/what_now.html
I started reading about it, and while its interesting, it also is kinda scary. Another thing, I've read stuff about disorders but in this case it is personal. Knowing the person it relates to just tears me up inside.
This little study has made me think about some things, and I've decided I want to study Psychology in community college and regular college. I always like to get into people's heads, and I like to help people. So why not mix them together and become a Psychologist? Preferably like a Behavioral Psychologist or someone who studies how and why the mind works and how that affects human behavior.
Anyways, thats all for now.
Tell yah more later,
This is Josh, signing off.
But, I've been told some people like reading my posts, so I guess I can write some more.
So... where do I start? Why not start with the important stuff? =)
I got my driver's lisence. It only took me three times to pass, but I finally got it. =J
I've also been applying for jobs. I've applied for 5-Star Guitars, Hillsboro Music, MIR Music, Hallmark, Fred Meyers, Michaels, Jan's Paperbacks, Rainy Day Games, and the list goes on. No replies back yet, but I plan to start callbacks within the next week.
Moving on, I got a new Laptop =) its a Sony VAIO, Intel Core i3, Blue Ray player, and encased in an awesome sea-greenish packaged.
I also have finished 2 books, "Taske Force" and "Death Walk". I'm halfway done with "Taske Force 2: The Lector Affair", it should be done by the end of the month.
On the other side of things, I found some things out about me and one of my close friends.
I discovered one my probably closest friend (not Cheyenne =J ) has a form of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). For more information check out this website:
http://www.radkid.org/what_now.html
I started reading about it, and while its interesting, it also is kinda scary. Another thing, I've read stuff about disorders but in this case it is personal. Knowing the person it relates to just tears me up inside.
This little study has made me think about some things, and I've decided I want to study Psychology in community college and regular college. I always like to get into people's heads, and I like to help people. So why not mix them together and become a Psychologist? Preferably like a Behavioral Psychologist or someone who studies how and why the mind works and how that affects human behavior.
Anyways, thats all for now.
Tell yah more later,
This is Josh, signing off.
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