Okay, so I started watching the TV show "Supernatural". For those who havent seen it, basic storyline is as follows:
"2 brothers, Dean and Sam, hunt and kill supernatural monsters while searching for the demon that killed their mom."
So, what I've really been attracted to (besides the whole "supernatural/mystical" aspect), is the brothers and their lives. They travel around, not reallystaying in one place or another for very long, dealing with things that would scare the hell out of normal people, and they never have the luxury of staying in one place long enough to support a relationship. I mean, Dean is always complaining he never gets any action with the ladies, and Sam keeps falling for a girl, then has to leave her.
I do kinda the same thing. I deal with all sorts of stuff, depression, suicide, failing relationships, etc, all the time. I never stay in one social group for long, always moving along and never really building a relationship with most people. And, like Sam, it sometimes eats away at me. But, also like Sam, I recognize the importance of what I do. And I realize that my little "mission" in life is more important than my social life. And, when I really think about it, I wouldnt have it any other way.
Anyways, those are my thoughts.
Update you all later.
October 27, 2010
October 24, 2010
Just Ranting.... (10/24/10)
So.... I know no one really reads this, but I figure at least it can help me release some of my pent up emotions.
I think I realized today how alone I really am.
For those of you that havent heard, Liz and I... not really broke up, but until further notice we are no longer an "item". The why's and where's arent important, needless to say though that it has seriously messed me up emotionally. I mean, I've actually cried. I havent cried since I was like 4 or 5. So that hasnt helped me much.
I keep argueing with my family. I mean, it isnt all big stuff, but all added together it really wears on me. I dont even want to spend any time with them because unless its just me, my mom, dad, and my sister, its just unbearable.
And.... I'm pushing what few friends I have away. Let me rephrase, I'm pushing the maybe 3 friends I have away. Kirsten's boyfriend has been a help, just talking to me and listening. But... others, Meredith to name just one, they dont understand what I need.
I was talking to Mere just a little while ago, and I really just wanted to talk. But after I told her a little of what was on my mind, she started into lectureing. now, she caleld it a "sermon", but it is really the same thing and helps about as much. She gave me some chapters in the Bible to read, and it was good advice/counsel/whatever, but not for me right now. I need someone to talk to, who will try to just talk and understand what I'm thinking and feeling. I dont need someone to lecture, give me a sermon, or to pity me. I just need someone to talk to.... and no one seems to understand that...
So, I pushed Mere away... after going to so much trouble to bring myself to actually talk to her about what was bothing me... she started lecturing and I pushed her away.
Same thing with everyone else I talk to (or try to talk to). I just want to know how they are doing, doesnt matter if they are want to have a discussion with me, I just want to know what bugging them. But, of course, then they have to go ask how I'm doing. And then they push for me to tell them whats going on. And if I tell them, guess what? Lectures and a pity-party. And if I dont talk to them? I push them away. Then again.... out of the like almost 300 "friends" I have on Facebook, I only really talk to like... 10 at the very most.
I'm almost to the point I'm going to just delete my Facebook account and stop being such a bother to everyone. The only reason I dont is because Kirsten wouldnt hear from me and neither would her bf. But, I mean, Meredith is the only one to regularly talk to me. And even when someone does talk to me.... it rarely ends well.
Anyways... I'll talk to yah all later.
Bye.
I think I realized today how alone I really am.
For those of you that havent heard, Liz and I... not really broke up, but until further notice we are no longer an "item". The why's and where's arent important, needless to say though that it has seriously messed me up emotionally. I mean, I've actually cried. I havent cried since I was like 4 or 5. So that hasnt helped me much.
I keep argueing with my family. I mean, it isnt all big stuff, but all added together it really wears on me. I dont even want to spend any time with them because unless its just me, my mom, dad, and my sister, its just unbearable.
And.... I'm pushing what few friends I have away. Let me rephrase, I'm pushing the maybe 3 friends I have away. Kirsten's boyfriend has been a help, just talking to me and listening. But... others, Meredith to name just one, they dont understand what I need.
I was talking to Mere just a little while ago, and I really just wanted to talk. But after I told her a little of what was on my mind, she started into lectureing. now, she caleld it a "sermon", but it is really the same thing and helps about as much. She gave me some chapters in the Bible to read, and it was good advice/counsel/whatever, but not for me right now. I need someone to talk to, who will try to just talk and understand what I'm thinking and feeling. I dont need someone to lecture, give me a sermon, or to pity me. I just need someone to talk to.... and no one seems to understand that...
So, I pushed Mere away... after going to so much trouble to bring myself to actually talk to her about what was bothing me... she started lecturing and I pushed her away.
Same thing with everyone else I talk to (or try to talk to). I just want to know how they are doing, doesnt matter if they are want to have a discussion with me, I just want to know what bugging them. But, of course, then they have to go ask how I'm doing. And then they push for me to tell them whats going on. And if I tell them, guess what? Lectures and a pity-party. And if I dont talk to them? I push them away. Then again.... out of the like almost 300 "friends" I have on Facebook, I only really talk to like... 10 at the very most.
I'm almost to the point I'm going to just delete my Facebook account and stop being such a bother to everyone. The only reason I dont is because Kirsten wouldnt hear from me and neither would her bf. But, I mean, Meredith is the only one to regularly talk to me. And even when someone does talk to me.... it rarely ends well.
Anyways... I'll talk to yah all later.
Bye.
October 3, 2010
Update: 10/3/10
Well, here we go again.
Work is good, I actually like working register. Especially when the people have kids who are outgoing. The other day I had this 7 year-old girl whose mom had a cartload of party-favors helped me run all the items through checkout and then bag them. I like helping the customers on the floor too, but I dont get enough people looking for drawing or painting supplies. I dont know much about the sewing/yarn department, and heaven help me when they ask about beads. Most the other stuff I can get along fine with.
Um..... found a new song I like, its "Like the Rain" by Clint Black. Really good song, exactly my type. I definately recommend looking it up and listening to it. I've even looked up the chords and stuff and have been playing with it on guitar.
Um.... okay, onto the biggest and most importan subject in my life, Liz.
Well, the least of my problems is that her dad isnt exactly comfortable with me, I dont think. I was over at their house the other night and we were watching "Phantom of the Opera" and Liz had leaned up against me and I had my arm around her. Her dad called her downstairs, and when she came back we couldnt even hold hands. From what I hear, her mom is okay with it. But, I totally get where her dad is coming from. I mean, I'm the guy who put a knife to another guy's neck when he was publically cussing out his girlfriend. I have enough "adopted siblings", especially ones who have been seriously hurt by bad relationships, that I'm overtly cautious and protective of them. I get what he's thinking, what his concerns are, all that. And, as long as he still lets me come over and gets over his fears by Liz's birthday, I can live with it.
The next thing... I dont know if I've mentioned this before, but Liz wants to join the Air Force. And it scares the hell out of me. I mean, if she does join and has to go away for long periods of time, I'm going to be even more alone than I am now. And, the sad thing is, I knew this before I even go involved with her. I feel as if... almost as if I'm loseing her before I met her. And if she gets sent into combat, and gets hurt of worse, I dont know how I'm going to take it.
I figure, if we go all the way and get married and all, and she does join the Air Force, I've got a few options.
1- I become an Air Force Chaplain and get stationed wherever she is.
2- I go musician like I've wanted to and move wherever she has to be.
3-We have kids, I stay home with them as a reminder of her, and miss her ever second she's gone.
I dont know what to do really.... so, anyways...
The bonus behind all this, for the last week or 2 my mind has been calmer, I've been happier than I have been, My headaches are down, I havent even had to take Tylenol in the last 5 days. Normally I take the max dosage I can.
So... my future might be confused and looking dim, but as of now, I'm doing better than I have in a long while.
I got nothing else, really.
I'll update you all later.
This is Josh, signing off.
Work is good, I actually like working register. Especially when the people have kids who are outgoing. The other day I had this 7 year-old girl whose mom had a cartload of party-favors helped me run all the items through checkout and then bag them. I like helping the customers on the floor too, but I dont get enough people looking for drawing or painting supplies. I dont know much about the sewing/yarn department, and heaven help me when they ask about beads. Most the other stuff I can get along fine with.
Um..... found a new song I like, its "Like the Rain" by Clint Black. Really good song, exactly my type. I definately recommend looking it up and listening to it. I've even looked up the chords and stuff and have been playing with it on guitar.
Um.... okay, onto the biggest and most importan subject in my life, Liz.
Well, the least of my problems is that her dad isnt exactly comfortable with me, I dont think. I was over at their house the other night and we were watching "Phantom of the Opera" and Liz had leaned up against me and I had my arm around her. Her dad called her downstairs, and when she came back we couldnt even hold hands. From what I hear, her mom is okay with it. But, I totally get where her dad is coming from. I mean, I'm the guy who put a knife to another guy's neck when he was publically cussing out his girlfriend. I have enough "adopted siblings", especially ones who have been seriously hurt by bad relationships, that I'm overtly cautious and protective of them. I get what he's thinking, what his concerns are, all that. And, as long as he still lets me come over and gets over his fears by Liz's birthday, I can live with it.
The next thing... I dont know if I've mentioned this before, but Liz wants to join the Air Force. And it scares the hell out of me. I mean, if she does join and has to go away for long periods of time, I'm going to be even more alone than I am now. And, the sad thing is, I knew this before I even go involved with her. I feel as if... almost as if I'm loseing her before I met her. And if she gets sent into combat, and gets hurt of worse, I dont know how I'm going to take it.
I figure, if we go all the way and get married and all, and she does join the Air Force, I've got a few options.
1- I become an Air Force Chaplain and get stationed wherever she is.
2- I go musician like I've wanted to and move wherever she has to be.
3-We have kids, I stay home with them as a reminder of her, and miss her ever second she's gone.
I dont know what to do really.... so, anyways...
The bonus behind all this, for the last week or 2 my mind has been calmer, I've been happier than I have been, My headaches are down, I havent even had to take Tylenol in the last 5 days. Normally I take the max dosage I can.
So... my future might be confused and looking dim, but as of now, I'm doing better than I have in a long while.
I got nothing else, really.
I'll update you all later.
This is Josh, signing off.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
