So.... I know no one really reads this, but I figure at least it can help me release some of my pent up emotions.
I think I realized today how alone I really am.
For those of you that havent heard, Liz and I... not really broke up, but until further notice we are no longer an "item". The why's and where's arent important, needless to say though that it has seriously messed me up emotionally. I mean, I've actually cried. I havent cried since I was like 4 or 5. So that hasnt helped me much.
I keep argueing with my family. I mean, it isnt all big stuff, but all added together it really wears on me. I dont even want to spend any time with them because unless its just me, my mom, dad, and my sister, its just unbearable.
And.... I'm pushing what few friends I have away. Let me rephrase, I'm pushing the maybe 3 friends I have away. Kirsten's boyfriend has been a help, just talking to me and listening. But... others, Meredith to name just one, they dont understand what I need.
I was talking to Mere just a little while ago, and I really just wanted to talk. But after I told her a little of what was on my mind, she started into lectureing. now, she caleld it a "sermon", but it is really the same thing and helps about as much. She gave me some chapters in the Bible to read, and it was good advice/counsel/whatever, but not for me right now. I need someone to talk to, who will try to just talk and understand what I'm thinking and feeling. I dont need someone to lecture, give me a sermon, or to pity me. I just need someone to talk to.... and no one seems to understand that...
So, I pushed Mere away... after going to so much trouble to bring myself to actually talk to her about what was bothing me... she started lecturing and I pushed her away.
Same thing with everyone else I talk to (or try to talk to). I just want to know how they are doing, doesnt matter if they are want to have a discussion with me, I just want to know what bugging them. But, of course, then they have to go ask how I'm doing. And then they push for me to tell them whats going on. And if I tell them, guess what? Lectures and a pity-party. And if I dont talk to them? I push them away. Then again.... out of the like almost 300 "friends" I have on Facebook, I only really talk to like... 10 at the very most.
I'm almost to the point I'm going to just delete my Facebook account and stop being such a bother to everyone. The only reason I dont is because Kirsten wouldnt hear from me and neither would her bf. But, I mean, Meredith is the only one to regularly talk to me. And even when someone does talk to me.... it rarely ends well.
Anyways... I'll talk to yah all later.
Bye.
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For anyone who read this and was curious for an update, me and Liz did permentantly break up shortly after I wrote this post. As of now (5/4/2011), I am currently dating the beautiful Katy, we have been going out for over 3 months, and there is not even the slightest hint of us breaking up. I am the happiest I have been in a very long time with her, and I intend to spend as much of the rest of my life with her as possible.
More to come in an official post later on.
~Josh
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