So... I was talking to Meredith earlier and actually managed to put my little "Life-Journey" into a form that actually made sense. She said it was "interesting" (although not why), and I thought I might post it for someone else to read, maybe be inspired by... i dont know.
Anyways, here it is:
"I am looking for understanding of myself... but I cant rely on only what I see and read in myself, so I try and cross-reference what I see in me with what other people see in me. The reason why I ask for others to analyze me all the time is because people rarely will offer that kind of personal analys freely... or sometimes at all. The one thing I truely fear in this world, and the one thing I cant seem to understand, is Me.Even Math and Science, which are my worst subjects and the bane of my academic life, I can understand... But when it comes to my own heart and mind... there is no textbook, no manual, no one who already understands who can walk me through it... not even an instruction manual on how to understand yourself.And so I ask people to analyze me, I read books and watch movies and TV shows and analyze the elements that stick out to me and touch me personally... I analyze people and help them with their problems in the hops that one of the people I help has the answer to my own heart in their life story.... and thats it... thats why I do what I do, that is what I am always searching for...
Maybe my search will end when I do, who knows... but one way or another, either before or after death, I will understand who I am, why I am, and why I do things and think things like I do."
there is is, folks. Post thoughts as a comment, please.
More to come another day, Josh signing off.
December 17, 2010
December 12, 2010
Josh’s Psalm
Josh’s Psalm
2/3/2010
Oh God, save me from myself, help me look within.
Cleanse me of deceit and the vices of fellow men.
Damn this cursed hypocrisy, damn this heart of sin.
Where repentance is shown only when caught, but never again.
Renew my mind and save this wretched Soul, that’s my constant prayer.
For in your arms are rest and peace, of which you freely share.
Peace I desire above all else for this tortured Soul,
And rest is such a luxury I rarely find.
And I may not be as old as other men are, and definitely not as wise,
But I have come away with some knowledge from the world and all its lies.
One thing I have found in this dreary world, this life cannot be saved.
You either die the victor, or you live to become a slave.
For Christ is freedom of mind and Soul, He is the Lord of Hosts.
And you must be first dead to this world, and surrender to the Holy Ghost.
2/3/2010
Oh God, save me from myself, help me look within.
Cleanse me of deceit and the vices of fellow men.
Damn this cursed hypocrisy, damn this heart of sin.
Where repentance is shown only when caught, but never again.
Renew my mind and save this wretched Soul, that’s my constant prayer.
For in your arms are rest and peace, of which you freely share.
Peace I desire above all else for this tortured Soul,
And rest is such a luxury I rarely find.
And I may not be as old as other men are, and definitely not as wise,
But I have come away with some knowledge from the world and all its lies.
One thing I have found in this dreary world, this life cannot be saved.
You either die the victor, or you live to become a slave.
For Christ is freedom of mind and Soul, He is the Lord of Hosts.
And you must be first dead to this world, and surrender to the Holy Ghost.
December 10, 2010
Thoughts.2 (12/10/10)
More thoughts...
I recently read the book "Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card. It is science-fiction novel about a boy who is sent off to a place called "Battle School" where he is groomed to be the commander of the Earth forces in a first-strike maneuver against a race of insectoid aliens that the humans have been at war with for years.
One of the things that Andrew "Ender" Wiggin, the main character notes, is that while he is an amazing leader and strategic soldier, he is noone's friend. He leads his little "army" when at the School, but even though some of his 'toon leaders where his friends and everything, he is still set apart. He is their commander, their leader, and nothing more.
One of the methods the teachers training Ender use is a process of seperation from the other kids at the school. They alienate him in order to bring him up to be a strong, independant leader. This is the main reason for why when he becomes a commander, he is the leader and nothing else.
This is how I have ended up. I am a protector, an advisor, a guardian. But I am no one's friend. I am an antagonist whose purpose is to strengthen and harden those who need it, and to annoy those who dont. I am not friend material. Once my particular services or skills are no longer needed, I become a burden for whoever I was oringinally helping. I think this is why I always feel so alone. I dont have friends, I have students and trainees and protectees, and I have allies.
But I do not have friends.
I recently read the book "Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card. It is science-fiction novel about a boy who is sent off to a place called "Battle School" where he is groomed to be the commander of the Earth forces in a first-strike maneuver against a race of insectoid aliens that the humans have been at war with for years.
One of the things that Andrew "Ender" Wiggin, the main character notes, is that while he is an amazing leader and strategic soldier, he is noone's friend. He leads his little "army" when at the School, but even though some of his 'toon leaders where his friends and everything, he is still set apart. He is their commander, their leader, and nothing more.
One of the methods the teachers training Ender use is a process of seperation from the other kids at the school. They alienate him in order to bring him up to be a strong, independant leader. This is the main reason for why when he becomes a commander, he is the leader and nothing else.
This is how I have ended up. I am a protector, an advisor, a guardian. But I am no one's friend. I am an antagonist whose purpose is to strengthen and harden those who need it, and to annoy those who dont. I am not friend material. Once my particular services or skills are no longer needed, I become a burden for whoever I was oringinally helping. I think this is why I always feel so alone. I dont have friends, I have students and trainees and protectees, and I have allies.
But I do not have friends.
Thoughts.... (12/10/10)
So, I've been watching the TV show "Heroes", and one character has especially stood out to me. Sylar, played by Zachary Quinto, is a super-human with the ability to analyze the workings of other super-humans and absorb their abilities. Throughout the show (at least, the first 3 seasons) he is hunting for a few things.
First: He is hunting for new powers to add to his colelction, leaving a trail of blood behind him.
Second: He is looking for answers to his past, who his father was and why his father left him when he was young.
Third: He is looking to somehow reconcile himself with his parents, both biological and adopted, and to come to grips with who or what he is.
And Fourth: He is looking to make up for all the pain he felt when he was younger by causing pain for others.
He also has a few personal vendettas he picks up along the way, but those four things are the main parts of Sylar's story.
Watching his struggle with himself and with others, it made me think through some things in my own life and my own personal mission.
One thing is why I always watch so much TV, why I collect stories, and why I read so much and from such a variety of genres and sources. I am searching for something, I am lookng for answers in the stories. I am looking for pieces of my life in the recorded and created.
I dont know what I'm looking for, I dont know why I'm looking for it. But I know I am searching, picking up stories where I find them and analyzing them in search for something. I dont know if I will ever find my answers, but recognizing there is a journey is the first step towards completeing it.
More to come as I figure it out.
First: He is hunting for new powers to add to his colelction, leaving a trail of blood behind him.
Second: He is looking for answers to his past, who his father was and why his father left him when he was young.
Third: He is looking to somehow reconcile himself with his parents, both biological and adopted, and to come to grips with who or what he is.
And Fourth: He is looking to make up for all the pain he felt when he was younger by causing pain for others.
He also has a few personal vendettas he picks up along the way, but those four things are the main parts of Sylar's story.
Watching his struggle with himself and with others, it made me think through some things in my own life and my own personal mission.
One thing is why I always watch so much TV, why I collect stories, and why I read so much and from such a variety of genres and sources. I am searching for something, I am lookng for answers in the stories. I am looking for pieces of my life in the recorded and created.
I dont know what I'm looking for, I dont know why I'm looking for it. But I know I am searching, picking up stories where I find them and analyzing them in search for something. I dont know if I will ever find my answers, but recognizing there is a journey is the first step towards completeing it.
More to come as I figure it out.
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