More thoughts...
I recently read the book "Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card. It is science-fiction novel about a boy who is sent off to a place called "Battle School" where he is groomed to be the commander of the Earth forces in a first-strike maneuver against a race of insectoid aliens that the humans have been at war with for years.
One of the things that Andrew "Ender" Wiggin, the main character notes, is that while he is an amazing leader and strategic soldier, he is noone's friend. He leads his little "army" when at the School, but even though some of his 'toon leaders where his friends and everything, he is still set apart. He is their commander, their leader, and nothing more.
One of the methods the teachers training Ender use is a process of seperation from the other kids at the school. They alienate him in order to bring him up to be a strong, independant leader. This is the main reason for why when he becomes a commander, he is the leader and nothing else.
This is how I have ended up. I am a protector, an advisor, a guardian. But I am no one's friend. I am an antagonist whose purpose is to strengthen and harden those who need it, and to annoy those who dont. I am not friend material. Once my particular services or skills are no longer needed, I become a burden for whoever I was oringinally helping. I think this is why I always feel so alone. I dont have friends, I have students and trainees and protectees, and I have allies.
But I do not have friends.
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2 comments:
What are you protecting or guarding others from? What scares you? Where does the fear come from?
Who are you training and protecting? What do you teach them? Why?
Your writings tell over and over of your fears. Fear of the unknown, fear of not understanding. But if Christ truly is the leader of your life why be fearful? Hasn't God provided a life full of opportunity to learn and explore? Hasn't He loved you enough to provide you with a 'thorn in your side' - diabetes to help focus your eyes on Him, to trust in Him?
Rest is exactly what you need. But not physical rest. You need mental rest. Your mind is spinning fast.
I'm protecting others from the same me, and the things in life that have made me the way I am. I mean... I'm content to live with the way I am, it has its benefits and makes me useful.
Who am I training, what and why? I... dont exactly "train" anyone, but I act as a mentor to a number of people, although I'm not going to say any names. But I help them get through hard times, I help them get rid of bad habits, I try and help them develop new good ones... I try to help them cope with loss and pain, to not make the mistakes I have made and I see others make.
And I dont fear for me... I know where I'll end up when I'm dead, and in my oppinion the afterlife might be better than this one anyways, although I'm not going to go kill myself to get there. I am learning, I am exploring, its just... sometimes to find the happy and bright areas in life we first have to look through the dark and dreary places. And as we get closer and closer to the End of Days, those dark and dreary places just get worse and become more frequent.
And... Rest... you know =J that is the best summary of what I need I have ever heard. Except maybe not just mental rest, spiritual rest is also needed.
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